he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
