My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
