Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
