i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
