If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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