I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
