so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
