I am puke
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
