my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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