I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
