then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
