I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
