it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
