That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
