hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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