someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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