If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
