If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
