Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
