Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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