Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
