So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
