I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
