Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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