we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
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Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
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It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.