I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level