come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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