Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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