ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
