Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
