I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize