two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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