I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
