I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
