Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
