It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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