I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
