Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
