I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
