i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
