On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
