he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
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The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
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I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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