WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
