What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
