Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
