He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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