We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
