You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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