haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
