Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
