I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.