Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
