I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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