every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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