dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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