The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
