We named our party play list daddy issues
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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