i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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