I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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