this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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