I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I have already put on my inside pants.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
