if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
